TO PUSH OR NOT TO PUSH?

TO PUSH OR NOT TO PUSH? THIS IS THE QUESTION TO ASK

“Is it ok to push my child?”
How do we know if pushing our children is helping or hindering their progress?

Balancing pushing your child with knowing when to hold back is a delicate task that requires sensitivity, understanding, and flexibility.  

There can be a fine line between the push that encourages them and leads to growth and success and the push that creates too much stress and leads to behaviours that move them away from achievement. Positive pushing can help you move your child toward the goal of assisting them in developing into well-rounded, resilient, and self-motivated in

What is a positive push? 

A positive push is like strong encouragement. It has been deeply considered by a parent who knows and understands their child. It is also interpreted and received by the child as supportive and loving. This type of push allows them to stretch themselves, safe in the knowledge that a parent is present and will help them if needed. 

Most parents push their child because they desire to help them grow, succeed, and reach their full potential.  And it is true, pushing can help a child discover their capacity to do well in something they didn’t know they could do. For example, encouraging a child to practise an instrument or do their homework or participate in extracurricular sports regularly can help them develop a talent and a sense of accomplishment. In addition, it builds confidence and resilience through goal orientation, perseverance and discipline. All of these are excellent skills and attributes to have as adults.  

Strategies for a positive push 

Here are some strategies to help you push in a positive way. 

Understand your child’s personality and capacity 

Notice how your child responds to challenges. Some children thrive, and others become anxious and overwhelmed. If your child is more anxious, you may need to adjust the size of the ‘push’ you are giving.  

Set realistic and flexible goals 

Set challenging but attainable goals. This will allow your child to experience success and build confidence, making them more likely to take on bigger challenges. 

Be flexible. Adjust goals based on your child’s progress and well-being. If a goal becomes too stressful, be willing to modify it or give your child more time to reach it. 

Encourage effort over perfection 

There is a balance to strike between effort and reward. Each of these things feeds the other. Perfection is a very high bar that can be difficult to reach across many situations simultaneously. It can obscure your vision from seeing what is good and already there in your child. To help reduce feelings of despair and dissatisfaction, aim to celebrate your child’s hard work and progress, even if they don’t achieve the highest level of success. Help your child understand that failure and setbacks are part of the learning process. Encourage them to view challenges as growth opportunities rather than threats to avoid. This will build their resilience. 

Be supportive, not controlling 

Instead of dictating what your child should do, offer suggestions and support. Allow them to make decisions and learn from their experiences. Provide encouragement and positive reinforcement without being overbearing. Let your child know that you believe in them and that it’s okay to step back or try something different. 

Balance structure with flexibility 

Provide a structured environment where your child knows what is expected of them but allows flexibility within that structure for them to explore and pursue their interests. Boundaries and rules within the structure ensure safety and emotional well-being and create an understanding of family values and expectations. Ensuring some flexibility allows your child space for play, creativity, and personality development. 

Model healthy behaviour 

Part of the way children learn is by observing the adults around them. If there is a behaviour or skill you want them to attain, the easiest way to get there is to show them how you do it. You can share your experiences of handling stress and pressure healthily. This will inform the development of your child’s coping strategies. 

Balance with praise 

Celebrate your child’s achievements, whether big milestones or small victories. This reinforces the value of effort and persistence. However, be careful not to overemphasise success to the point where your child feels that only achievement matters. Balance praise for personal achievements with praise for kind acts. e.g. equal praise can be given for academic or sporting success, as with taking the bins out without being asked or being gentle with a baby. 

Foster autonomy 

One of the biggest tugs-of-war between a parent and child is autonomy. Allowing your child to take on age-appropriate responsibility slowly creates a positive sense in them that they are capable and can manage different situations. When you give them the scope to try new things for themselves alongside the knowledge that you are there no matter what, you help them develop the capacity to do things for themselves. 

Observe, reflect and tweak along the way 

Periodically reassess your approach based on your child’s changing needs, interests, and circumstances. What worked last year might not work now, and adaptability is key. The best way to know if something isn’t working is to ask yourself if any unhelpful behaviour patterns are present. I call these hamster-wheels and you can read more about them here. 

Occasionally, ask your child for feedback on how they feel about the balance between pushing and not pushing. This can provide valuable insights and help you adjust your approach accordingly. It also lets them know you care about them, their opinion, and how they feel.  

A final thought 

Your child is a work in progress, as is your understanding of them. Positive pushing is nuanced and individualised. It comes from your ability to understand your child’s capabilities and capacity to do more. It also understands that there are times when there is a need for ease and rest. This understanding is built from a relationship that involves good communication and a willingness to learn from mistakes.  

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Katrina Gow 

Katrina is a dedicated parent and qualified counsellor and psychotherapist with a passion for supporting families through challenging times. Katrina combines her diverse background in nursing, occupational health, and Shiatsu massage to offer a unique and holistic approach to her work. She is a committed practitioner of Iyengar yoga, and deeply comprehends the profound connection between mind and body, recognizing the significance of balance in sustaining overall health.

Katrina is fascinated with the human condition and has a particular interest in exploring the complex subject of stress and its interwoven effects on our feelings, thoughts and behaviours. Katrina has niche experience in the area of school avoidance and she now seeks to help parents dealing with the enormous stress that invariably accompanies having a child unable to attend school.

 Katrina works at the Melbourne Children’s Clinic in Surrey Hills.