TANTRUMS AND MELTDOWN:  A BAD BEHAVIOUR OR A CRY FOR UNDERSTANDING

by Katrina Gow

As a parent or caregiver to children, it is likely that you have been witness to all kinds of behaviour. Arguably the most memorable and least pleasant is the full-blown tantrum or meltdown. It is the complete volcanic eruption of emotion that appears to come from nowhere. It might be the ‘no’ you say to an item on the supermarket shelf or enforcing bathtime or reducing time allowed on their computer. In these moments, it can be hard to see what is happening as anything other than bad, defiant, ungrateful, or rude.  

Once that interpretation is made, reactions often follow quickly, usually with a single goal: make the unpleasantness stop. However, often, the situation escalates with more tears, more resistance, more unruly behaviour and an outcome that leaves everyone feeling bad and with a lingering niggle that surely this could have been avoided. What if there is another way to understand this behaviour that leads to better outcomes for everyone?  

Different behaviours, same system  

Tantrums and meltdowns are sometimes described as different entities, and in some ways they are. A tantrum may involve protest or frustration about not getting what a child wants. A meltdown is more likely to reflect complete overwhelm, where the child has lost access to self-control. For teenagers, this can show up as intense negativity, withdrawal, destructive behaviour, or even running away.  

What matters most, however, is not the label applied to the behaviour, but the internal state driving it. Whether a child is yelling, running away, collapsing into tears, or shutting down completely, their nervous system may be signaling that it has exceeded its capacity to cope. Seen through this lens, these behaviors are not messages of defiance, but expressions of distress:  

This is too much. 

I can’t manage what I’m feeling. 

I need help, even if I can’t say it.  

I don’t have the words to describe why I feel this way.  

That feeling of being too stressed will be familiar to everyone. It registers as a sense of threat and can arise from everyday experiences such as:  

• feeling rushed or pressured  
• Poor sleep  
• fatigue or hunger  
• work stress  
• Relationship stress  
• loss of control or autonomy  
• new experiences  

From a nervous system perspective, these experiences can feel unsafe and even catastrophic, even when it’s clear they are not. A child has the same nervous system hardware as an adult, but there are differences. A child’s nervous system is immature and inexperienced, making it more likely to interpret seemingly benign experiences as stressful. Additionally, your child will have a different genetic makeup than you and is growing up in a different set of circumstances. These factors also influence their response .  

Tipping points, baselines, novelty and cumulative stress  

Just like adults, children have tipping points. Unlike most adults, a child’s tipping point can be reached much more quickly. This is not because children are fragile or overreacting, but because their nervous systems are still developing and are more easily overwhelmed by stress. 

A helpful way to think about this is like a bath filling with water. A child’s baseline is their usual water level. The younger the child, the shallower the bath. When a child is calm, alert, and able to cope, there is a comfortable amount of water in the bath. This translates to them having enough energy for engagement, learning and play. If the bath becomes too full, all the child’s energy is spent trying to keep their head above water. An empty bath is also not the goal; that would mean no energy, no engagement, and no fuel for learning. The aim is not zero stress, but a level that is manageable and supportive of development.  

Each stressful experience adds more water. Demands, transitions, emotions, sensory input, and social pressures all raise the water level. When a child begins the day already tired, anxious, or dysregulated, the water level is higher, meaning far less stress is needed to tip them into a meltdown.  

When their bath overflows, it often splashes into yours. A child’s distress raises the water level in the adults around them. Your bath, of course, already contains its own water which includes work pressures, poor sleep, relationship stress, financial worries, the mental load of family life and more. When both baths are close to full, it doesn’t take much for everyone to feel overwhelmed.  

Returning to the Bath  

Young, developing nervous systems need the support of experienced, adult nervous systems to act as an anchor. Children borrow from your nervous system to learn how to regulate their own.  

Returning to the bath metaphor, this means recognising how full their bath is and knowing how to support them so that their energy is not spent keeping their head above water.  

This can look like a few different things:  

1. Turning the tap off.  

Turning the tap off means pausing additional demands. It might mean compromising on bath time or teeth brushing for one evening or two. It might mean having a night off homework, delaying a conversation you want to have, or letting go of a reminder you were about to give.  

You may have a list of things that feel important, but turning the tap off recognises that right now is not the time to add more. This doesn’t mean you are letting them get away with something; rather it is you responding appropriately to their capacity at that time.  

2. Let some water out.  

Letting water out means actively reducing their load. This might look like:  

• Speaking to school to minimise homework load for a while if that is what is needed  
• Giving them the space to complain and cry without correcting them or seeking to ‘fix’ their problem. Sometimes your quiet reassurance that they will be okay because you are there, is enough.  
• Offering help before their irritability and frustration tip into a meltdown  

3. Offer a flotation aid

A flotation aid is something that enhances safety and support rather than being a rescue itself.

Sometimes, just being nearby and silent, yet close, is enough to help someone move out of a panic or worry state. If the problem is more serious, it might involve speaking to the school if it’s a school-related issue. It could also mean seeing a GP if they are always feeling unwell. A flotation aid provides added support.

The most valuable skill you can develop as a parent is learning to read the water level.

This involves noticing when the bath is already half full before the day begins. It means recognising what adds water for your child, and understanding what helps it drain. The aim isn’t to prevent your child from experiencing stress but to help them manage it safely. It’s about seeing them, understanding how full their bath is, and adjusting the water level and aids before they’re barely keeping their head above water. 

A final thought  

Tantrums, meltdowns, and shutdowns do not indicate something has gone wrong. They are signs of a nervous system still learning how to manage pressure. The aim is not to stop children from experiencing big feelings, but to help them understand that those feelings can be felt, supported, and moved through. Capacity increases when discomfort is met with understanding instead of fear.  

Children do not need a world without stress. They need nervous systems that can find their way back to safety, alongside adults who know how to walk with them while they do.  

 Katrina Gow

Katrina is a compassionate and skilled counsellor dedicated to fostering mental health and resilience. In 2025, she will contribute her expertise as an advisor to a Deakin University project addressing school attendance issues, helping develop strategies for improving educational outcomes. Additionally, Katrina is part of the Victorian Parents Council team and writes insightful blogs for the VPC, offering support and guidance to parents navigating challenges in education and parenting. Through her work, she strives to create positive change in both individual lives and broader community settings